Trib Force Teh Movie
by WinterSky
Summary: It's been one week since the Rapture shook the world. With the whole of humanity searching for answers, and Nicolae Carpathia sporting a new evil-looking haircut, anything can happen.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N - For April Fools Day I'd originally planned to do a Good Omens crossover chapter in TFT, but for some reason I just wasn't feeling it. Instead, since I promised y'all something, I decided to quickly finish up a parody of "Trib Force: The Movie" that I started a year ago (which was a dumb idea, since last time I decided to 'quickly finish up' a Left Behind fan fiction it turned into a 2-year project :p). This is in fact a sequel to a really stupid LB parody I wrote in high school, which I won't bother publishing since it was mostly inside jokes and random character crossovers from novels I was trying to write at the time. All you need to know from that story is that prior to the Rapture (1) Bruce was a porn addict and (2) Buck had a fan club that followed him around. There will be five acts out by the end of the week, but it's just Act One for today!_

_Rated T for language and a whole lot of fun sexual innuendos!_

TRIB FORCE: TEH MOVIE

ACT I

_Scene I: Our scene is set in New York, or somewhere, where the new Secretary General of the U.N. is watching Buck Williams on GNN!_

Nicolae: As you can see, now that I've been revealed to the audience as the Antichrist, I got a new, more evil-looking haircut to reflect how thoroughly evil I am.

Hattie: Oh. My. God. Nicolae, you look so hot with your new evil-looking haircut.

Nicolae: I'll tell you who's hot: Buck Williams! *indicates screen*

Buck: *from TV screen* Heeeey. *winks—fan girls around the globe swoon* By the way, world, sorry for your loss.

Nicolae: He's young. He's charismatic. He's good-looking. I want someone that hot on my team!

*Hattie and Steve stare.*

Nicolae: I mean—not _that_ kind of team. I—I'm not gay. I mean I want him on my evil taking-over-the-world team.

Hattie and Steve: Ohhhhh, yeah, that team.

Hattie: But say, if you _were_ gay, I'd totally get a sex change for you.

Nicolae: …

Hattie: Just throwing that out there.

_Scene II: Next day. Buck walks into work where Steve Plank is waiting._

Steve Plank: Buck! Big news! Carpathia wants to have dinner with you!

Buck: He knows I'm straight, right?

Steve: I mean he wants you on his team.

Buck: Like I said, I'm not really into guys-

Steve: Not that team! His evil taking-over-the-world team!

Buck: Oh! In that case I'll, uh, call him right back.

Steve: Make sure you do. Oh, and make sure you watch the news tonight. *Walks off*

_Scene III: A UN Press Conference that's being broadcast all over the world._

Random guy: *to Nicolae* … And that's why we need you to assume dictatorship of the world or everything we ever loved will crumble apart!

Nicolae: I couldn't possibly. I am but a humble pacifist whose only concern is bringing the world together in this troubled time. I am hardly fit to rule...

Random guy: Oh, well then I guess we can find somebody else-

Nicolae: (quickly) On second thought I'll do it! Because it's the will of the people. And stuff.

*Everyone in the world watching the press conference cheers.*

World: Yay! We know this wasn't Nicolae's idea because nobody has ever publicly staged such a request before in history!

Ceasar: Nope.

Richard III: Never.

Nicolae: I'll take this opportunity to announce that religion is such a divisive force that from now on we're just going to have one world religion! Ours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever!

Muslims/Jews/Buddhists/Hindus/athiests/anyone who's not a Christian: Our new ruler just declared a one-world religion by using a blatant reference to Christianity? OH WE ARE SCREWED!

Nicolae: No, no, no, the one-world religion isn't going to BE Christianity! It's going to be a _mockery_ of Christianity! Get it? Because I said the glory is ours instead of God's? Totally different.

Anyone who's not a Christian: Oh, well, that's ok then.

Christians: OH WE ARE SCREWED!

_Scene IV: Back at the church, the Trib Force is watching TV._

Bruce: So it looks like the government is covering up something that's happening at the wailing wall that has to do with these two guys breathing fire. That kind of reminds me of the passage in Revelation where these two guys appear at the wailing wall and start breathing fire.

Chloe: I don't see how the two are related.

*Entire Trib Force stares at her.*

Bruce: That's ok, sweetheart. You don't have to be smart. You just have to be a good wife and mother. Anyway, Rayford, in light of recent developments, I need you to go work for the Antichrist. Kthx!

Rayford: That's bullshit! *storms out*

*Bruce follows Rayford outside*

Rayford: I'm not going to fly the most evil man in the world from one victim to another! That's just barbaric!

Bruce: If you don't, someone else will!

Rayford: Let them!

Bruce: But you could spy on the Antichrist! We need the information!

Rayford: Fine, I'll think about it.

Buck: Actually, after talking with Steve Plank I'm 99% sure Nicolae wants to hire me to run his media empire. So if it's information we need, I could get a lot of it that way-

Bruce: Are you kidding? It's way too dangerous!

Buck: But you just told Rayford-

Bruce: That's a completely different situation.

Buck: Well at least let me go to Jerusalem and get a look at these firebreathing guys.

Bruce: Fine, whatever.

_Scene V: That evening. Ivy arrives at Buck's apartment._

Ivy: Well, I'm stuck here in Chicago without a place to stay until my fiancé gets here.

Buck: You should crash at my place.

Ivy: Great idea! I sure hope nobody mistakes me for your girlfriend while I'm staying here.

Buck: Don't be silly. I've got to run though. Important international stories to be told!

Ivy: You mean like you're reporting on the disappearances, which only happened like a week ago?

Buck: No.

Ivy: Or maybe Nicolae Carpathia's sudden and unprecedented rise to power?

Buck: Um … not quite.

Ivy: Then what?

Buck: These two guys at the wailing wall claiming to be prophets.

Ivy: Seriously? Wow, they really demoted you after you missed that meeting with Carpathia at the end of the last book, didn't they?

Buck: I didn't miss it! Carpathia brainwashed everyone so that they'd think I did! Because he has brainwashing powers!

Ivy: *patting his arm sympathetically* You keep telling yourself that, Bucky. You keep telling yourself that.


	2. Chapter 2

_Note - Rated T for swearing, references to suicide, and Bible polishing._

_Other note - I am not responsible for the loss of any brain cells or IQ points that result from reading this parody._

TRIB FORCE: TEH MOVIE

ACT II

_Scene I: Night, at the church. Bruce is standing in front of a slide projector showing apocalyptic paintings throughout the ages._

Bruce: … and that's how we know that all of the Christians have been Raptured up to heaven and the reign of the Antichrist is about to start. In case you missed the end of the first movie. I mean book.

Rayford: *nudges Chris* This is the good part.

Chris: *to Ray* I can't believe you dragged me here. I'd literally rather shoot myself.

Bruce: So we know that the Antichrist will come posing as a Messiah figure. Does that remind you of anyone?

Random woman: Nicolae Carpathia!

Random man: Carpathia? No way! He's way too peace loving!

Random woman: Are you kidding? You've seen his new haircut! He's totally evil.

*mumbled assent*

Bruce: People! People! Just because someone has an evil-looking haircut doesn't make them- *Chloe slides him a photo of Carpathia's new haircut.* Oh, yeah. He's totally evil. And … *looks more closely* I think he might be gay too.

*Chris storms out; Rayford and Buck follow.*

_Scene II: Outside the church._

Chris: This is such utter bullshit! You expect me to sit here and listen to how Nicolae Carpathia is gay and how God has to save me from what a bad person I supposedly am?

Buck: We're all bad people! Like, have you ever lied?

Chris: Yeah.

Buck: Have you ever stolen?

Chris: Well there was this one time in Vegas where this cross-dressing stripper tried to sell me a pet iguana and I…

Buck: Just answer the question.

Chris: Yes.

Buck: Then you're a liar and a thief. So you need Jesus to save you from those attributes! Jesus loves everyone!

Chris: You're saying Jesus will love me if I'm a liar?

Buck: Yes!

Chris: Even if I'm a thief?

Buck: Yes!

Chris: Even if I'm an atheist?

Buck: Hell no! You're on your own there!

Chris: Wow, screw this religion! I'm going home to literally shoot myself! *storms off*

Rayford: Do you think he's going to literally shoot himself?

Buck: Nah, he's just blowing off steam. Come on, let's go back inside. I want to see Carpathia's new haircut.

_Scene III: After the service Rayford goes to Chris' place. Chris is sitting there with a gun to his head._

Rayford: Whoa. There was absolutely no warning that this was going to happen.

Chris: Well, aside from the obvious, I just called Christianity bullshit. That's a clear indication that I secretly hate God and am suicidal, and not that it's actually bullshit.

Rayford: Don't do it, Chris! Nicolae Carpathia wants you to do it!

Nicolae Carpathia: Wait, seriously? Then I'd have one less follower. Why would I want that?

Rayford: Shut up, you just do!

Nicolae: *shrugs* I'd probably bomb the hell out of him in the next movie anyway.

Rayford: Right, see Chris? The Antichrist _wants_ you dead.

Chris: Wow, I've never thought of it that way. I guess I should become a Christian after all!

Rayford: YAY!

_Scene IV: Rayford goes home to the Trib Force._

Rayford: … And then I got to watch Chris come to Jesus. It was so powerful.

Chloe: Why does nothing in these movies make any sense?

Rayford: What?

Chloe: Why would the Antichrist want him to kill himself? Wouldn't that leave him fewer followers?

Nick: Thank you!

Chloe: *to Nick* And you're not even in this scene! *Nick leaves*

Bruce: Look, Chloe, you've read the Bible. That's the ultimate word of the God who made the world, right?

Chloe: Yeah.

Bruce: And does _anything _in the Bible make sense?

Chloe: No.

Bruce: So why should anything else in the world make sense? You just sort of gotta go with it.

Chloe: *Sigh* I guess you're right.

*Buck walks in*

Buck: Hey Chloe.

Chloe: *fangirly* Hey Buck! Wow, you looked _so _hot on TV tonight! *clears throat and tries to recover but fails* Um, I mean, not like _sexy _hot but like … um … um … unsexy hot. I mean, not that you didn't look sexy, you just looked, um… oh, look at the time, I have to go polish my … Bible. *slinks off*

Buck: Polish her Bible?

Rayford: Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Bruce: That's not a euphemism I've ever heard. And I should know. Did you know that there are 137 different euphemisms for—

Buck: *points* Look! Scantily clad Asian chicks!

Bruce: Where?

*Buck and Rayford duck out of the room before Bruce can go on.*

_Scene V: In the church the next day. Chloe is looking through an old photo album when Buck joins her_.

Buck: What are you looking at?

Chloe: Old family photos. The church used to put out an album every year. *points* See, this is Raymie. And this is my mom.

Buck: *points at next picture* And that's you?

Cloe: Yeah.

Buck: You wore a "Buck William's #1 Fan" t-shirt for your church picture?

Chloe: Oh crap! (slams book shut) I don't know what you're talking about!

Buck: Hey, don't worry about it. You know, if there was a Chloe Steele fan club, I would definitely be in it.

Chloe: Really?

Buck: Yeah. I mean, it would never be as big as my fan club or anything, since you're not The Greatest International Reporter of All Time, but I'd still join it.

Chloe: *blushing* Wow. Thanks Buck.

*Bruce and Rayford Enter*

Bruce: Ok, enough flirting, you two. Time for serious Trib Force business. Rayford was so inspired by Chris' conversion that he's decided to work for the Antichrist!

*Chloe raises her hand.*

Bruce: Yes, Chloe?

Chloe: I don't understand how seeing someone convert to Christianity is supposed to inspire anyone to chauffeur the Antichrist around.

Ray: It's like Bruce said yesterday. The Word of God doesn't make any sense, so why would anything else make sense? I just have the feeling that this is God's will.

Buck: Awesome! We can work for the Antichrist together!

Chloe: Ok, now I _really_ don't get this. You both feel strangely compelled to work for an evil man who you know has psychic brainwashing powers? And neither of you find this the least bit odd?

Buck: Nope.

Ray: Nope.

Buck: Divine protection and whatnot. His powers don't work on us.

Chloe: So you're just _choosing _to assist him? That's even worse! *storms off*

*awkward pause*

Rayford: She's been awfully emotional this past week. Must be her time of the month.

Bruce: Makes sense. So anyway, Ray, now all we have to do is find a way to make sure you get the job.

Buck: Well, since one of my best friends is Nicolae's media guru, and Nicolae seems determined to do anything to get me onto his side, I'm sure I could recommend you.

Rayford: No need! I've got a better idea...


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Thanks, as usual, for reading, and thank you autumnrose2010 and Myrkin for your lovely reviews!_

ACT III

_Scene I: Rayford shows up at the airport where Hattie is working.  
><em>  
>Rayford: Hey Hattie.<p>

Hattie: (coldly) Ray.

Rayford: So ... I need you to help me get a job.

Hattie: I can't believe you, Ray. You actually have the gall to ask me for help right now?

Rayford: Yes? Look, if you're still upset about the whole stringing-you-along-while-married-to-another-woman-thing, I think it's time to forgive and forget.

Hattie: Forgive and forget? _It was a week ago!  
><em>  
>Rayford: Oh yeah. But Hattie, I'm a changed man!<p>

Hattie: Funny how you changed just in time for this job to open up.

Rayford: Look, Hattie, I know I messed up, but I want to make things better. I want to give something back, and I really feel like flying this plane is the best way to do it. You _know _ I'm one of the best pilots out there.

Hattie: *sighs* Ok. I'll talk to Nicolae about it.

Rayford: Thanks, Hattie! I could kiss you fight now!

Hattie: *stares*

Rayford: In a totally platonic way, of course.

_Scene II: Back at the church, Chloe walks into Bruce's office._

Bruce: Hey Chloe, what's up?

Chloe: I have to ask you a question. What do you think about relationships at a time like this?

Bruce: Geez, Chloe, you're a lot younger than my usual type… but you're pretty hot, and it's the end of the world, so I say let's do this! This is just like that one porno where-

Chloe: ACK! I didn't mean you! I meant Buck!

Bruce: Oh. Right. I knew that. Um… I think you should ask him.

Chloe: *awkwardly edged towards door* Yeah. I'll just be going now… to talk to Buck…

Bruce: But if he says 'No,' you know where to find me!

Chloe: ...

Bruce: I'm just saying.

_Scene III: Chloe shows up at Buck's and Ivy opens the door in a bathrobe.  
><em>  
>Ivy: What?<p>

Chloe: *breathlessly* Is Buck here?

Ivy: Does it looks like Buck's here? What are you, another one of his fan girls?

Chloe: No, I mean, I was kind of hoping for an autograph, but it's more than that! I'm going to marry him!

Ivy: Ok, crazy-stalker-girl, you need to take a step back before I call the cops.

Chloe: You don't understand! This is true Jesus-approved love! *sees engagement ring* Wait a second. You're engaged?

Ivy: You just figured that out?

Chloe: OH, I AM SO OVER HIM! (storms off)

_Scene IV: The next day. Rayford and Chloe are in the kitchen when the phone rings. Rayford answers._

Chloe: If that's Buck Williams, tell that two-timing scumbag I hope he crawls into a hole and dies!

Rayford: *into phone* Hello?

Buck: Hey, Ray, can I talk to Chloe?

Ray: Uh… *looks over; Chloe is still standing 5 feet away, glaring menacingly* Not right now. What's up?

Buck: It's just that she's been acting weird lately.

Rayford: What do you mean?

Buck: Like this morning when I walked into Bible study, I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hey, two-timing scumbag, why don't you crawl into a hole and die?"

Rayford: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I caught that.

Buck: Do you think it would be alright if I stopped by tonight to talk to her.

Rayford: Sure, no problem.

Buck: Great, I'm heading over now.

*hangs up*

Chloe: Who was that?

Rayford: Um… vacuum cleaner salesman?

Chloe: Vacuum cleaner salesman? We're a week into the apocalypse!

Rayford: Exactly! Between earthquakes, plagues, and flaming hail, think how much cleaning up there is to do!

Chloe: *walks out of the room, shaking her head*

_Scene V: Buck is leaving his apartment. He presses the down button to the elevator, but it starts to go up._

Buck: What the—

*Doors open onto the roof to reveal a stunning view of New York and a helicopter landing on the roof in front of Buck. Nicolae Carpathia steps out.*

Nicolae: Sorry for the dramatics, Mr. Williams, but you see it was the only way to convince you to go along with my plan.

Buck: For goodness' sakes, Nicolae, I've already told Steve I'm not gay! If this is your plan to seduce me-

Nicolae: What? NO! My plan is to hire you as editor of my international media empire! Why do you think I'm gay? It's the haircut, isn't it?

Buck: Actually (points to table several yards away) in this case it's the candlelit table for two set on the rooftop with roses in a vase and … and are those the violinists from Titanic?

*Violinists wave.*

Nicolae: Don't you like Titanic? But it's the most romantic movie of the- I mean *clears throat* of course you don't like Titanic! This isn't for you. It's for … Hattie.

Hattie: *peeks out of helicopter* Really?

Nicolae: Yes. Right. For you, Hattie. I thought we would celebrate the consolidation of my media empire with a romantic candlelit dinner.

*Hattie swoons.*

Nicolae: But first, Mr. Williams, will you agree to run my media empire?

Buck: Yes, ok, if it will get me out of here.

Nicolae: For better or for worse?

Buck: Yes.

Nicolae: In sickness and in health?

Buck: Uh… sure.

Nicolae: For richer or for poorer … but mostly for richer, since I'll pay you a crazy awesome salary.

Buck: Look, there's actually a girl I was on my way to visit, so if we could just finish this up…

Nicolae: *disappointed* Oh, a girl. Because you're into girls. I mean, so am I. Sure, go. I'll just be … off to my date. Which is with a girl.

Hattie: Sweet!

_Scene VI: Buck shows up at the house and knocks on the door. Chloe looks out the window and sees him.  
><em>  
>Chloe: (calling upstairs) Daddy, I need to borrow your UZI!<p>

Ray: Chloe, you know it's not ok to shoot random people with UZIs until the 8th book.

Chloe: Dang. *opens door* What is it, jerk?

Buck: Uh... it's good to see you too.

Chloe: You have nine minutes to explain what you're doing here, and then I really am getting an UZI.

Buck: Um, ok. I came to find out what the problem is?

Chloe: Why don't you ask your fiancee!

Buck: My WHAT? I don't have a fiancee.

Chloe: Then who's the hot chick in the bathrobe staying at your place.

Buck: Ivy? She's just crashing there for the weekend. She's my assistant.

Chloe: *relieved* Oh! Boy do I feel dumb! It's totally ok that your assistant is hanging out half-naked at your place, because it's not like anybody ever sleeps with their assistant.

Nicolae: Nope.

Hattie: Never.

Chloe: *glowers* Once again, you guys are not in this scene.

*Nick and Hattie leave.*

Chloe: *happily—taking his hands* Oh Buck! I'm so glad we cleared up that misunderstanding!

Buck: Me too! Now we can fall in love and get married in an awkward double wedding with your dad!

Chloe: Um… sure! *leans in for a kiss*

Buck: *holds up hand* Whoa.

Chloe: What? I thought you liked me?

Buck: I do, but...

Chloe: But isn't this the obligatory 'male and female leads overcome the conflict and rediscover their love for each other with a passionate kiss' scene?

Buck: Normally, but this is a Christian movie. We can't risk offending any of the more conservative members of the audience.

Chloe: *coyly* You know, there are plenty of things we could do that aren't technically kissing…

Buck: No.

Chloe: Fine. Can we at least hug?

Buck: *thinks about it* I guess so. But leave room for the Holy Spirit.

*They hug.*

Audience: Awww, how family friendly!

_Scene VII: The next morning._

Rayford: So I heard you and Buck downstairs last night. You guys ok again?

Chloe: Yeah, turns out it was a misunderstanding, but we talked it out. After that we had a pretty low-key night. I invited him inside for some coffee, we talked for a bit, and then he helped me polish my Bible.

Rayford: He WHAT?

Chloe: What?

Rayford: Look here, young lady! There is nothing in the Good Book against you polishing your own Bible, but if you want somebody _else_ to polish your Bible for you, you had darn well better be married to them!

Chloe: Dad, what are you talking about? You know that fancy old Bible mom had with the bronze plate in the front? Buck asked about it, and I noticed it was looking a little shabby, so while we were talking I polished it.

Rayford: So you were … actually polishing a Bible?

Chloe: Of course. What did you think we were doing?

Rayford: Nothing. Never mind. Look at the time. Gotta go meet Hattie so we can fly with the Antichrist. *runs off*

Chloe: *suspiciously* So that's what the kids are calling it these days…


	4. Chapter 4

ACT IV

_Scene I: Chloe runs into Hattie at the airport._

Hattie: Oh, hey Chloe. What are you doing here?

Chloe: Just dropping off my dad. My pastor says I shouldn't go back to school since education is for heathens, so I have nothing better to do. Except maybe brood about whether love is appropriate at a time like this.

Hattie: Oh, I know exactly what you mean.

Chloe: You do?

Hattie: Yeah, I've been seeing this guy…

Chloe: Me too!

Hattie: And sometimes it's like this relationship is a great idea, you know?

Chloe: Completely.

Hattie: But sometimes I feel like maybe I shouldn't be distracting him from his responsibilities. He's an important man, after all…

Chloe: Exactly!

Hattie: … and taking over the world is a big job.

Chloe: Wait, what?

Hattie: Yeah, I want to be like, 'Listen, Nicolae, I _know _you're in the middle of establishing a global empire, but I'm a woman and I have needs! Just because we have freaking amazing sex doesn't mean you can distance yourself emotionally!'

Chloe: But you're … that is … what?

Hattie: *only half paying attention* You're right, Chloe. Maybe I'm just being selfish. *looks at watch* Oh, but I'd better go. I'm meeting Nicolae in a few minutes. Time to fly with the Antichrist!

Chloe: HERE?! BUT YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN AIRPORT!

Hattie: *stares at her like she's crazy* Um … that was a joke. Because I know Rayford thinks Nicolae is the Antichrist? And we're flying to Jerusalem for the weekend?

Chloe: Oh, so you're actually _flying. _In an airplane. With Nicolae. Right. That's … all I thought you meant.

Hattie: Of course that's all I meant! And once we get to Jerusalem, we're gonna have super kinky sex! Well, see ya!

Chloe: …

_Scene II: On the plane, Rayford runs into Buck._

Rayford: I'm going to go spy on Nicolae instead of piloting this plane.

Buck: Good idea. I'm going to go do nothing, even though as Nicolae's new media guru it would look _way _less suspicious for me to be going through his files than it would for you.

Rayford: Cool, so I'm glad we agree on this plan.

*Rayford sneaks back into Nicolae's computer and copies some files onto a disk. Dramatic music accompanies him. He slips the disk into his pocket just as Nicolae steps out of the board room.*

Nicolae: Captain Steele? What are you doing here?

Rayford: Uh… just giving Hattie our ETA.

Nicolae: *suspiciously* Is that all you're doing?

Rayford: Um… um… I WASN'T STEALING VALUABLE INFORMATION TO GIVE TO THE OPPOSITION IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE THINKING!

Nicolae: Well, of course I knew you weren't doing that. I mean, was there another reason you wanted to talk to Hattie?

Rayford: Huh?

Nicolae: Captain Steele, do you still have a thing for Hattie?

Rayford: What?! NO!

Nicolae: Good. Because Hattie's my girlfriend now. Just so that's understood. Not that I'm sexually threatened by you or anything.

Rayford: That's good.

Nicolae: I mean, sure you're an ultra manly-man who pilots fully loaded 747s for a living…

Rayford: Uh…

Nicolae: …and sure Hattie thinks that's hot, um, in a platonic father-figure sort of way…

Rayford: What?

Nicolae: … and sure she sometimes screams your name during sex…

Rayford: WHAT?!

Nicolae: … but I have two things that you never will Captain Steele. Those things are world domination and a sexy foreign accent.

Rayford: …

Nicolae: Never underestimate the power of a sexy foreign accent, Captain Steele. It's the reason that _I _hit that, and _you _never will. Now give it to me.

Rayford: Er… you know I'm not gay, ri-?

Nicolae: I meant give me the ETA. So I can hand it to Hattie.

Rayford: Oh. Yes. That. Of course. *hands over the ETA and slinks off awkwardly*

_Scene III: After the awkward plane flight, Ray and Buck have checked into a hotel and are sitting in their room._

Rayford: I stole this file from Nicolae's computer.

Buck: Wow, good work! Did he see you?

Rayford: Nope, and absolutely nothing of interest happened.

Buck: Well, that's good. So let's open this sucker up and see what cool spy information it has inside!

*They stick the disc into a laptop, open the file, and scroll down—Buck gasps!*

Buck: This is terrible!

Ray: What?!

Buck: It's a copy of Ben Judah's speech! He was going to reveal to the world that Jesus is the Messiah, but the entire speech has been edited so that it says Nicolae is the Messiah instead. We can't let TBJ say this on international TV, or everyone will be convinced that Nicolae is the Messiah and they'll start worshipping him!

Ray: Because if anyone on TV announces that they've found the Messiah, everyone takes that person completely seriously!

Buck: Exactly!

Ray: How can we stop this from happening?

Buck: We have to witness to Ben Judah and convince him to turn to Jesus. It's the only way!

Ray: But if Nicolae has the power of mind-control like you've said, no doubt he's using that power on Ben Judah. It will take a lot more than the two of us to break the spell. If only he could hear the truth from someone who had been sent straight from God and imbued with the powers of heaven…

Buck: That's it! We'll get him face to face with the two witnesses at the Wailing Wall. If anyone can break Nicolae's spell, it would be those two. I'll just tell Nicolae that I'm going to interview the prophets and I want Ben Judah along to help me discredit them.

Ray: Perfect! Wait—just out of curiosity, how do you know that Ben Judah was going to announce that the Messiah was Jesus?

Buck: Because it refers to the prophecy "The Messiah will be pierced without breaking a bone!" That's a _clear_ reference to Jesus!

Ray: Couldn't that apply to almost any kid who's ever gotten a splinter? Or a shot? Or a nose ring?

Buck: No, no, it has to refer to Jesus. Also Carpathia apparently sucks at using MS Word because instead of using the delete key, he just typed his name in next to the word 'Jesus.'

Ray: Wow, that's lucky for us! It's a good thing all Eastern Europeans—including the former President of Romania—are confounded by Western technology!

Buck: It's a good thing these stories don't cater to racist and sexist stereotypes at all.

Ray: Yep!

_Scene IV: Buck is walking through the halls of their Jerusalem office when he runs into Hattie._

Buck: Hey, Hattie, have you seen Steve Plank around?

Hattie: I just saw him go by. He should be back in a few minutes. Actually, Buck, can I talk to you for a second?

Buck: Sure, what's up?

Hattie: Do you have a thing for Nicolae?

Buck: WHAT? NO! No.

Hattie: Good. I was a little worried. Not that I'm sexually threatened by you or anything.

Buck: That's … good?

Hattie: I mean, sure, you're like the greatest reporter in the history of the world…

Buck: Well, yeah. Yeah, I am.

Hattie: …and sure Nicolae thinks that's hot in a non-gay just-taking-over-the-world way…

Buck: What?

Hattie: … and sure he sometimes screams your name during sex…

Buck: WHAT?!

Hattie: …but now I feel confident that he'll be completely faithful to me and never try to murder me or any future unborn children of ours! Thanks, Buck! Oh, hey, here's Steve! *rushes off*

Steve: Hey Buck! What's up?

Buck: Steve! I have the best idea ever! I'm going to discredit the wit- uh, fire-breathing men on international TV!

Steve: Can't do that. The UN is blocking off the wailing wall.

Buck: Fine, I'll just sneak in.

Steve: You can't sneak in! I'm telling Nicolae on you! *rushes off*

Buck: Aw, crap.

_Scene V: _ _Steve and Hattie are talking to Nicolae in his office._

Steve: I think Buck Williams might want to sneak out to the Wailing Wall and interview those two fire-breathing guys.

Nicolae: What?! That is completely unacceptable! From now on, anyone who tries to talk to them will be shot on sight!

Steve: Ok, that's … a little extreme. I'll go let Buck know about the new rule.

Nicolae: Not necessary.

Steve: You don't want me to tell Buck? So… you went to all this trouble to convince the Greatest International Reporter of all time to work for you, and you're just going to let him get shot? Why?

Nicolae: *shrugs* I'm evil. What part of "You're on my evil-taking-over-the-world team," did you not understand?

Steve: Oh yeah.

Hattie: Makes sense.

Nicolae: And it has nothing to do with the fact that he broke my heart into a million tiny pieces. *choked sobs*

Steve and Hattie: …

Hattie: *clears throat* So, well just go with the evil theory then, yeah?

Nicolae: Yeah. Yeah, that's what I meant.


End file.
